Below is a passionate piece I wrote a few weeks ago.
I’ve been talking to a lot of you lately and it seems many are going through what I’m calling a “heart awakening”.
Which, as it turns out, can feel a lot like a leg awakening that’s fallen asleep in the middle of the night.
Meaning, when your heart is waking up, there can be major discomfort.
I think it’s important we know this “ouch” is okay.
If we feel ouch, this is okay.
Just like the leg waking up, blood returning to cut off places, it seems spiritually our hearts go through this waking up too.
And depending on how deep asleep your heart was,
that is to say,
how long you’ve been living in unworthiness not asking for what you need, settling for scraps
or how deeply you’ve been denying your natural design for intimacy pretending you don’t want deeper connection
is perhaps how much ouch you must endure as life floods into the once numbed out places?
What’s funny is I’m not so much feeling this today.
Today I feel more at peace and in non-resistance to the way things are.
But damn, did I feel that Divine Discontent a few weeks ago.
As the poem below shows, I was shaking my fists up at at the high heavens! Stomping my feet, demanding my FEAST, saying I was done with these scraps I’d been calling “love”, crying out to the sky I wanted mine.
To be clear, I started writing this as a piece about my longing for union with God, yet it also seems to be a cry out for true love with an actual man. Which was an interesting desire to acknowledge about myself.
Whew, it’s good therapeutic stuff to get bold and honest.
I guess my hope is these words will help you make sense of all that stirs inside.
That’s what I love about words, they help make sense of what’s inside then a little silence helps, then words, then silence then…
I Pray My Feast, Come!
My heart is awakening
from what seems the deepest slumber I’ve ever known
and now I’m haunted with all these wantings
wantings for things
that want things themselves
starting with the release of my control
so Love can have its way
I’ve reached another rubicon
a point of no return
no longer satisfied with scraps
I wait at the edge of this mountain
all lesser Gods behind me
I cry out
demanding my feast
I beat on the ground
to you God
good girl no longer
pretending I’m fine,
give me mine!
give me mine!
I cannot go on like this!
I roar with holy rage
you know I am grateful
but now I claim I ache
I can’t get no satisfaction
I want the most pristine
I want all of it
I’m a greedy whore
And nothing short of You,
the very Best,
I want the merging that will annihilate me
the loss of all control
blinding light to set me free!
Oh Great Sprit help me to surrender
the way I think love should be delivered
and carry me
into ecstatic rapture
Is this enough faith?
What else can I do?
to convince you
Yeah that’s how I feel.
My courageous heart wails outs from this mountain top
Do you see me in my wanting?
Naked, I trust you not to mock me.
And I wonder if this makes me a fool
calling out to an unseen God
yet I can’t stop myself
and I hate this about me
and I love it even more.
Collapsing now on rocks and dirt
I look out at the expanse
I wonder who I’ve been crying out to
I whisper to the air
‘I long for the Great Love I know is there’
And fuck, now I feel hope swell in my heart
and I hate hope
and I love it just the same
and I grieve this aching
and I can’t stop praying:
Take me to our union
Pour out Your Love now
bring me my beloved in every possible form
or Im afraid I’ll live my days
weeping at this edge of inconsolable
and I have no business being here.