Sometimes I’m Not “Fine” and That’s Finally Okay…

 

This one’s for the ones who tend to forgive a little too fast, who tend to feel feels but rather bypass – the uncomfortable ones. This one’s for those who have been released from a relationship they never would’ve left on their own but now on the outside can see how they’ve grown and not grown in a way where they can say “hey, look at me! I’m evolved”.  No, grown in way that others may never see but just like a secret kept you know within the depths of you there’s a love now rooted so true and there’s nothing anyone can ever do to convince you again to deny what you feel or betray yourself for the sake of another’s comfort.  This one’s for you.

 

 

 

on the outside of us

 

When alls said and done

I can say

I’m proud

I loved you well

even though I forgave you

long before I was ready to

turns out thats something

I tend to do

 

 

but now five years later

as I re-read our final email

my head lifts high towards the sky

even though I’m sure it made you feel bad

for ever leaving me

like that

 

and yes, I still feel sorry for the words I said

the ones I can’t take back

and how sad I got

as our years together

dragged on

I’m sure that wasn’t much fun

 

 

but now I know men

who can handle my mad

and want to hear

what makes me roar

 

 

i try to go quiet

but they call it forth

asking for more

knowing that underneath my rage

is the pearl that will set their souls free

 

 

so now I don’t go around forgiving so easily

I don’t short circuit myself to evolved

I feel the whole deal

I never conceal

but I also don’t speak words that won’t heal

I just feel and i feel and I feel

 

 

and now there are men

in my vicinity

who call forth the full range

but they’re really just me

with different skin on

 

 

cause when I was with you

I didn’t love this part of me

I didn’t accept anything other than the “i’m fine” possibility

so I got you –

a judgmental hologram

I created to remind me

on the daily

that I was crazy

for feeling

 

 

so just like I said in that email:

thank you

 

 

thank you the contract you served

 

and thank you for the way you set me free

I would have never left you

unless you first

left me

 

 

and it was on the outside of us

where I learned

to love

myself

2017-11-10T14:38:39+00:00 By |Uncategorized|0 Comments

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